My Relationship with Weed: Seeing The Witch After Realizing She is Actually The Mother

March 15, 2023, I quit smoking weed cold turkey.

Two days before that date, I remembered telling God that “I give up trying to quit weed. Once my body decides it’s time, it will happen naturally.”

I was a heavy smoker. The type of stoner who appreciated the strongest hit of the day before even brushing teeth in the very morning, smoking up to five grams a day. 

I remember how I was sitting there rolling a joint and thinking, "I need to quit, because I’m not even feeling high anymore".

Then lighting it and thinking again, "I need to quit".

Smoking it, and thinking "Fuck, I can't quit.” 

Thankfully, God responds to the vibration of our physical state being. So when I stated with assurance that it is so, telling my body that when it decides it’s time, it will happen naturally, that’s exactly what happened on March 15th, 2023.

I woke up that morning and completely forgot to smoke. The rest of the day went by without a single joint getting lit, completely unaware I was a stoner ⏤ defining it by the amount I smoked daily.

It pleasantly shocked me, as I was getting ready for bed, to realize that an entire day had gone by without me thinking even once about it.

640 days later, I show up to my cousin’s house in Berlin, and he offers me a joint. In that moment, I thought back to the time when I was certain I was going to divorce my ex-husband (which was long before it actually happened), that I was going to smoke a joint in Amsterdam, out in the open, for the hell of it. Call it a 'bucket list' thing.

So 232 days ago, on December 13th, 2024, I came to Berlin, and I had an opportunity to fulfill a silly daydream from over a decade ago.

And I think to myself, “Why wait until next month to be in Amsterdam and smoke my first joint, this moment with my cousins feels really fucking good to experience again, what this plant can show me.” And next month, I’ll still check off my bucket list to smoke a joint in Amsterdam.

So that was the beginning of the inevitable — a place I reach very quickly with Her, because She draws me in with mind-blowing insights from the very first time. And before I know it, I’m smoking Her more and more, without ever giving it a day off.

There were three times I took a break from Her. One for 7 days, to detox in preparation for my very first Ayahuasca ceremony back in 2019.

Another was for a challenge that a buddy of mine from work and I did, for 29 days in 2020.

And the last one was March 15th, 2023 that I mentioned above… for 640 days.

I guess I can add one more moment to that list of quitting her with no intention, while still being unaware of what was going on.

Meaning, I quit her while still being unaware that the reason I start smoking her every hour after that first time, is because I’m chasing that magical first time experience. Still unaware that, that first time after some tolerance is built, hits way differently than starting to smoke her every couple of hours, to every hour immediately. 

My being wants to experience the magical gifts I receive from Her the first time, every time that I meet with Her as The Mother. And thus begins my abuse of Her.

There's a saying about Her in the jungle, that she’s a witch if you abuse Her, and I finally understood.

She will punish you for abusing Her, by putting you in a state of “zero fucks given”. 

This state of being feels so good to be in, which is why I start smoking Her more and more. Because this state of being dissolves all problems and responsibilities, to the state of no motivation for anything, because “Why do anything… when everything is exactly as it should be?"

She takes away your desire to say “Why, not?”, steals your creativity, and locks it away until you stop smoking her mindlessly from morning till evening.

I was that stoner.

No longer proud of it, just appreciating all the lessons from this experience with Her.

Right before I understood this, there was another time I quit smoking Her while still unaware. 

On July 4th, 2025, I flew to Lithuania after spending three-ish weeks in Berlin.

The family I stayed with, it wasn't an option for me to smoke even a little.

I also knew there wasn’t anyone to provide it for me, because it was a different class of people I'd be around during my visit.

The type that smoked a lot in their earlier years, but now are family-oriented and business-driven, and no longer allow themselves to get high.

I was incredibly grateful for my change of situation (that God decided to send me to Lithuania when it wasn’t in my plans at all, just a couple of weeks before buying my ticket to Berlin, after spending three months in the UK), which forced me to stop smoking Her for 17 days.

Until... an opportunity presented itself on July 20th. Two days before I left Lithuania for Spain. 

It was a very peaceful Sunday evening, and someone randomly offered to share their joint with me. My soul said, "Go for it". 

That was the day I met Her as Mother in clear awareness and not the Witch that had me under a spell, while I abused Her, being totally unaware of Her as The Mother. 

To see the Witch, you must first realize Her as The Mother. There’s no other way for me to explain that.

So after July 20th, I started to play with Her less frequently. Every 3-4 days.

I don’t keep track because it doesn’t matter. The point is I now have an abundance of free weed to smoke while I’m here in Spain for the month, and I intentionally don’t want to. 

Because A: I realize She works best with space in between our meetings. Even if it's a once a day, it's now done with deep reverence and respect, because that is when She uncovers Her magical gifts in different realms of awareness. 

But that's only when you're with The Mother. When you're smoking from morning till night, every hour, you're no longer in the precense of The Mother. You're under the Witch's spell.

She shows up as Mother, the same way that Ayahuasca shows up as Grandmother. She's incredibly powerful at teaching us the inner workings of our mind, body, and soul.

She shows up as The Witch if you don't respect Her for being The Mother, and She will cast you into a 'numb' state of being.

Just like Ayahuasca, She works best when you allow some life to pass, before coming to Her again.  

The time in between your encounters is best utilized by applying the realms of awareness she uncovered for you when you were with Her, into the fibers of your daily reality.

Because just like Grandmother Ayahuasca, She can punish you in an infinite number of ways when you abuse Her. 

And Mother Mary Jane makes it very easy to abuse Her, which is why you need to step away from Her for some time, to build up tolerance again.

The dance of learning how to lead in this relationship with Her, is having the right intention.

And B: I understood She can take me into an area of awareness that isn’t very fun to play in, when I smoke Her around people, for the first time, after some tolerance is built. This is where I feel my confidence is put to the test.

I don’t like to struggle with my confidence, because then it's terrifying to be around people (since most people don’t know who they are, and now that makes both of us in that moment).

She’s really intense on the peak, that first time, and when I’m around people, She tests me to see how I stay grounded in Myself.

This is where I experience Her like a telephone that connects me directly to the Holy Father Spirit, the One that aligns us here in this 3D realm with Source ⏤ The Ultimate Creator. 

The test is to see if I really embody who I AM under an altered state of being.

Meaning, do I embody the Love of my Creator in my heart, my actions, my words, the best way I can, to represent My Creator as a Child of God?

This altered state, during the peak, brings clear awareness of this ⏤ which is why I feel like I’m being tested by the Holy Mother and Holy Father Spirit in that moment.

The Holy Mother and Holy Father Spirit are the two energies in this three-dimensional realm (The Yin and Yang) that align us with Source.

Don’t underestimate the power of this plant, for She is the Divine Mother that gifts you the awareness of how to align yourself to Source ⏤ by connecting you to The Father… if you want it.

If you’re not aware of Her as Mother yet, then you need to shift your intentions with how and why you're meeting with Her.

Now I play with Her more strategically, by honoring my intention. Every 3-4 days.

On the days I feel called to learn something new, and allow Her to show me how well I’ve managed to integrate the previous information she gifted me with, into the fibers of my daily reality.

I think back to that time many years ago when I dreamed of having this relationship with Her.

Where She doesn't control me, to the point of abusing Her.

A relationship where I come to Her with reverence and a sacred intention.

A relationship where I have mad respect for Her, with my head genuinely bowing down in honor to The Mother when we meet.

And because the respect is now mutual between us (since I don’t abuse Her anymore, because I’m fully aware of who She is now), She bows back down to me and honors our playtime together.

With this bow, she gifts me incredible new realizations in our short encounter of a few hours. 

It’s been one helluva educational month with Her, to say the least.

And I’m excited to circle back with an update as time goes on and I continue my play with Her ⏤ Deeping my intention of knowing and understanding myself deeper, accepting myself more in all those areas, and loving every bit and moment of the magical Human Experience I am privileged with experiencing.

Stay tuned,

Lana

The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know shit.